the little joys of life

Every once a while, i get delighted by the little things around me.

Its a delight when

• the train is punctual .. something unusual for the German Rails
• I see a group of elderlies walking, laughing and enjoying life
• I see someone showing care and concern for others
• I meet my neighbours and I get to enjoy small talk with them
• I see flowers blooming with the oncoming spring
• I get to watch birds build their nests in the (still) empty trees
• I get to watch young kids skip and sing as they walk next to their parents
• I smile at someone and they smile back
• I smell the freshly baked bread from the bakery
• I smell the fresh air after the rain..
• I sit at my piano and rediscover the magic of music
• I get to enjoy the sunrise on the way to work
• I get to enjoy the sunset on the way back from work

A FAQ List

Here are the list of questions that I am most apt to be asked


1. Oh. so you are working for XXX. Do you think you can help me get their products at a discount?
Sure I could. But i will need a very big commission to make it worth my while. Get a life, you cheapskate, and go out to buy it like everyone else.


2. Hey. You're a computer scientist! can you fix my computer? It refuses to (startup/insert some other action here).
I wouldn't for three reasons:
a. I'm secretly on the payroll of computer chip makers. When you throw away a computer and buy a new one, I get to earn a commission.

b. Would you call a doctor and ask him for a prescription after saying "I'm not feeling well"?

c. as i wrote in a post in a computer forum - "we don't need better programs. we need better users" - what's stopping you from wrecking your computer after i'm done with it?


3. isn't it cool to live in Germany? (or isn't it cool to come from singapore?)
Its not only cool to live in Germany. Its on the obscene side of cold. It might be comfortable for a polar bear, and alas, while evolution claims that we adapt to circumstances, I have yet to sprout fur befitting the climate.

Singapore, on the other hand, is comfortably warm but is full of self-demeaning people, complainers (who complain about the social behaviors of others) and people who have questionable social behaviour. So we have a lovely climate which is made cold by the coldness in the souls of people.


4. isn't it great to live in europe? you get to travel and eat the various types of food there.
you mean you can't travel or eat anywhere else? this is just a case of "the grass is greener ..."


5. Are you going to be staying in Germany for long?
for some reason, this seems to be a popular question. I get this being thrown at me by germans, by singaporeans and by every other nationality. The answer to this is "I don't know. I am looking for a home, and home is not determined by what land I live in. It might very well be that I would eventually return to the land of my birth, but I will have to come to terms with that wanderlust and adventurelust in me".


6. Have you thought of going to (insert country name here)?
Yes I probably have. It so happens that with the exception of the spring->summer transition, I find it tough to adapt to the changes. In such times of great trials and tribulation, i ask myself "how long, how long more will you stay here?". But things look better after I get adjusted and happily settled.


7. How long are you going to stay single?
This question has been raised more often of late. There seems to be a misunderstanding that being single is somehow an undesirable state and i should be attempting to change my current state.

Yes, I know I am single. and I know I'm going to be 33. But being married to the "wrong person" isn't really better than being single. as it is, I'm enjoying my freedom and the simplicity of life that comes with this state. so why sweat it?

but yes, I'm single. Any takers? ;)


8. So you cook. Do you think I can sample your cooking?
actually, there are two variations to this question - the other one being more obnoxious: "so when are you going to invite me to dinner?".

It all depends on how many of your kidneys you have donated to me. (The kidneys have to be in good condition and fit for transplants. obviously, kidneys bought from the butcher wouldn't fit into the criteria. if it does, let me know which butcher it is, and I'm going to make sure I get as far as i can..)

and yes, lest i forget it, I tend to invite ladies more readily, especially if they are pretty, single and available. ;)


9. Can you teach me how to (take photos, do video production, use a computer, write a computer program, play piano, play synthesizers, play the guitar, do sound programming..)?

If i had one dollar each time i was asked this by someone, I'll be on tahiti and drinking coconuts instead of trying not to get a flu. (lets ignore the fact that tahiti might be prone to hurricanes and other little bits of nasty weather that I don't know about).

The answer is no, no, no, no and NO! RTFM or go read it up on the internet. You're given brains and the capacity to learn new things, and trust me: you're going to have more self-respect after picking something up on your own. You're also more likely to cherish it anyway.


10. Ohhhh.. computer games are so fun. I want to study compuer science to learn how to program games. What would you advise me?

hm.. Once a while, every individual gets the chance to impact the direction of the whole human race. Each question of this nature is one such moment. what should I say to that?

I would say, Don't. In order to survive computer science, you'll need to learn various disciplines - let me give you a very brief (but realistic) sampling.

• surviving insomnia,
• not sleeping by choice (because of work. computer games don't count!),
• Mission-impossible-styled bladder control,
• self talk ("don't cry. don't cry. don't panic"),
• abstract fantasy and modelling (not of naked opposite genders. I'm talking about the ability to think abstractly. try reading CS Lewis or some philosophy books to see what i mean)
• The ability to glug coffee like water (true engineers need it to think)
• ability to think of a thousand failure scenarios and cater to them (This is not pessimism: a pessimistic engineer wouldn't even try to solve any of the failure scenarios: why should the intended solution work?)

in short, you'll cry. beg for mercy. wonder why you bother to live. wonder why you bother to bother. curse and swear at invisible entities. start warping into a crazed mad scientist. drool from the corners of your mouth. scream from the mental tortures inflicted by less competetant engineers. start writting blogs with rants about computer science disciplines.

and these are not covered in whatever course you are taking. are you quite sure games are worth it?

you get to meet all kinds

Since I commute approximately 1.5 hours to get to work on a daily basis, I get to meet all kinds of people.

I'm not about to create an exhaustive classification of the different types of people right now - the list is probably too long. However, there are two types which get on my nerves:

1. The Deafened.
I'm not making fun of those who are hearing-impaired. I'm referring to those, whom, by virtue of their loud music, render themselves eventually deaf. However, in the meantime, everyone in the same train compartment (or within a 3 meter radius) gets to enjoy their music.

While I fully agree with the fact that they have the right to listen to their music, nothing has been said about my right "not to listen to their music" nor about my right to enjoy abit of peace and quiet.

There is another variant of this irritating species - the "lets share music" type. This sub-species is usually in possession of some hand phone with MP3 capability and inbuild speaker phones. Being in enclosed spaces with several of these types can be rather irritating since you get multiple types of music coming from all over.


2. Those "born-in-a-barn"

These types insist on traversing train compartments - and leaving the doors open. Its not so bad in summer when the temperature is warm. but in winter when the heaters are on and warmth is precious, their thoughtless acts really leaves much to be desired. In the meantime, someone has to get up to close the compartment door..

Despite the poisoned glances thrown by fellow commuters, these species remain impervious to the amounts of irritation caused, and go on their merry way. The term "born in a barn" is, of course, applied to their (lack of) social grace, to which, the annoyed passenger is likely to conclude - "they must have been born in a barn to be without common sense"

fresh mutton..

the temperature in germany has dropped again and it was just hailing. For those of you blessed individuals who don't know what hail is, its like snow, only that it's much larger, like little balls that fall from above.

The main objection to hail is not so much the wet part - you get used to it after a while, and if its cold enough, it stays solid. The problem with hail is rather that it is solid, tends to hit with quite a sting, and if its big enough, can knock you silly.

The best defence against hail would be an umbrella. Now, this would have worked for me, except that I'm abit too macho (real men don't carry umbrellas) to carry one, and that the winds are blowing hard enough to wreck any umbrella that any one carries. Besides, if i had an umbrella, it would most likely be left somewhere, unfortunately forgotten (much to the glee of umbrella sellers everywhere)

Each year, as the climate changes from summer, to autumn, to winter and to spring, I'd be practicing my "seasonal wail". It goes somewhat like "OhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy did i abandon my sunny little island to settle down in a place which gets cold, foggy and uncomfortably wet?"

which brings me back to the topic of the post. with the temperatures as they are now, you could leave a chunk of fresh mutton out in the open and it would stay fresh. in fact, I'm starting to feel like a chunk of fresh mutton. talk about being a lamb of the flock!

weekend's over- here's to life!

I've finally hauled myself to do a sight test and a first aid course - both of which are part of the german legal requirements for wanna-be drivers. I've also commited myself to take driving lessons - and I suppose it would help me keep occupied.

Despite all the time spent in the first aid course, I'm praying hard that I will never need to use the course information. I mean, wasn't it the cardinal rule to "leave the doctoring to the professionals"? I realize that a few minutes could save a human life, but under extreme conditions of pressure, stress and adrenaline, does anyone seriously expect me to be able to remember how to apply first aid in a orderly manner?

of course, "practice makes perfect" - so I'm appealing to anyone out there: if you feel like being a real-life patient for me, I'll be glad to practice my first-aid on you. anyone wants to help me out here? anyone?

Am curiously well-rested despite reaching home at 11pm. I went for a "coffee or something" that became "a huge salad and a beer" and dragged longer than expected.

For those who are wondering about my dietary habits: beer is vegetarian in nature (made from barley, malt, etc) and is healthy. :) the same arguement could be happily applied to chocolates. In addition, given the axiom "you are what you eat", by transitivity relations, you could actually infer that most foods are healthy and good for you.

Here's a little example of how that works out: I eat beef. Cows eat grass. Applying "you are what you eat", you are transitivity eating grass which is vegetarian!



The week has started: I'm trying to work myself into an earlier schedule to make more time for theory classes in the evenings. Of course, this would only be intensive as long as i need it to be.

I'm also slightly soberer than usual. Nope, its not due to the hangover from the beer. I've only had one! I've been thinking about my situation in germany. I am not helpless here, and I am definitely free to packup and move away. The remaining questions are: Should I go, where do I go, and when?

In principle, all situations can be recursively remodelled into small questions that are intuitively simple in nature. However, the answers to the questions are usually more complex than what we expect, and the process to find the answers may require us to be more honest than we really want to be. It is exactly this difficulty that makes answers hard to find.

One mental tool which i used extensively in the past is what i call the "forward hindsight". Given a difficult situation, when i look back at the situation 5, 10, 20 30 years from now, would this decision make a big difference in my life? With most questions, the answer is "no". It doesn't matter anyway. But for some, including the ones I have (should I go, et cetra) have a resounding "yes". And these questions I dare not view too lightly.

will update more later.

end of the week

.. Heartbeat .. checked

.. signs of intelligence .. .. er..must it be human intelligence? .. nevermind. put that as checked.

Well. it would appear from general indications, I survived my first week at work. Am starting to feel the onset of the first "project start" stress, especially when I'm touching the sacred cows of the department. I'm examining legacy stuff to see what can be improved and how we can optimize existing components.

Now, such a task is normally not difficult: its generally empirical: you can observe the inefficiencies and bottlenecks, the questionable things could be singled out for examination. But what makes its stressful is that a misjudgement could actually add on to the list of problems which it already has.

Its a hard decision between "don't fix what ain't too badly broken" and "professional pride". And I'm always a sucker for challenges. If its hard and "it can't be done", let me have it. I'll usually succeed in it or make an awful idiot out of myself.

In the meantime, the initial bout of homesickness, the flu + tummy bug, stress and questions had gotten to me. I had a hard round with depression and had to "keep on keeping on". I have to keep reminding myself that I am not exactly helpless and there is always hope.


To help ease the situation, I've placed the following picture as my computer desktop picture. With a wee bit of fantasy, I could actually imagine that I'm back on vacation on that nice beach..

memories of Toliet encounters

While going to the gents, I met a couple of male colleagues deep in a discussion. Out of sheer mischief, i said "should we stop holding discussions in the gents? only the ladies do that. and we are real men."

That brought a roar of laughter as each guy contributed his bit.
"maybe we should bring a sofa in here: then we could sit down as we disclose our thoughts".
"maybe we need to have a better mirror here"
.. etc..

That encounter brought back a long buried memory:

Earlier in my software engineering days, I had the chance to join a firm where there was a "group toliet visit" practice. Now - this would be fairly normal if its just a practice among the females, but apparently in that strange place, it was the customary practice for males to head off to the gents in crowds too.

.. I'm relieved to report that the guys didn't hold hands as they wander off to the gents, but it was altogether a very strange experience. imagine that..

I can only hope the germans don't have any like-scandalous habits that I have yet to discover..

cute!! :(

a female friend just called me cute (don't get too excited for me. she's not available)

that's hardly what i would describe myself as, especially when i'm on the wrong side of 30!

bah! cute!

life goes on

I've been pounding myself silly since coming back to Germany. Things are so quiet at work that I could have stayed one more week on vacation and missed nothing. Should have stayed away then.

Another paradox is my inclination to glug coffee here at work. While I was in singapore, I stayed away from coffee. (starbucks is comparatively cheap there). Since coming back to work (where the "heated, coloured, flavoured dark liquid" is misappropriately named as coffee), I've been pouring tasteless coffee into my system like a russian on vodka binge.

My first day of work wasn't too good: despite having the best weather since ages, I stayed back to do some extra work.. and sadly, I overstayed. i.e. i actually forgot that I was supposed to get home earlier and instead, worked past 1900. Hopefully that is not the foreshadow of things to come.

I suspect that I may have to give up physically training for this week (ok.. at least for today). There is some nasty flu going around and I happened to be one of lucky receipents of this particular virus. In addition, I seemed to have some form of a tummy bug and its been ruining my day. In general, computer scientists need to have some attitude when tackling hard problems ("I'm here to solve bugs and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum") but in this case, the bug is making me da Attitude.

The upside is, of course, there are again some engaging and challenging tasks coming up. It does give life an interesting twist and promises some fun. This should be good.

hey ho, hey ho, its off to work we go

or rather, that title should read, "let's not cry as to work we've to go".

Managed to roll myself out of bed at 0500 today. My goodness. Did I really get up at this kind of hours before my vacation? How did I manage?

There was a slight moment of panic at office when I realized that I've forgotten my password.

The reaction from my colleagues were simply "Oh Good. That's the best indication that you had a great vacation".

I feel like a fish out of water here: it seems like the vacation has put quite a number of things into (out of) perspective, including "can i really stay in germany? should I continue trying or just haul myself out of here? where to, then?".

On the other hand, I am as happy as a lark at work: it rare to find a good team and we've assembled some of the finest computer scientists that can be gathered under one roof.

Should I stay? Is it time to remove myself and go to another land?

questions, questions and more questions. :(

*sniff* pass the tissues and try not to get infected..

as can be surmised from the title, I seem to have come down with the flu or some sort of infection - sneezing, slight fever, slight sore throat, dizziness and the urge to heave my guts.

I'm not sure if i managed to get that here, or if i left singapore with some stowaway viruses. That's a matter for concern and a possible nasty development, since i could start a regular epidemic at work.. The immunity systems here might not be particularly prepared against the asian flu.

anyway, this "flu" would explain why i am having an aversion to foods heavily cooked in oil, prefering instead to chomp on raw vegetables, cream crackers and sandwiches. Anyway, with my world spinning around me, i don't really fancy slaving over the stove.

.. and oh dear. i'm not sure that i am in shape to go down to church.

trying to get into the normal swing of life

i'm now trying to get back into some semblance of the life i had here and desperately trying to get my sleep time under control - I don't think its a good idea to be sleepy in the middle of a project meeting when i return to work next week!

Topped up my fridge and managed almost everything i need to do. I even found time to visit the gym yesterday (with disasterous results of course!) but am aching all over. Stupidity demands a very heavy toll from its pracitioners..

Its still freezing - with temperatures in the single digits (celcius. not fahrenheit). My friends are chuckling about me shivering, which is a bit of irony, especially since i used to be a more tolerant of extreme temperatures. Guess i max-ed out on my superpower.. its either that or i need some beer!

"regular" life will start pretty soon, mixed with bits of fun here and there.

touchdown and crash

touched down at frankfurt at 0030 sg time, and after making my way through the mad maze there, i finally managed to extract my luggage and head down to the train station.

frankfurt remains one of my more disliked airports. the signs are not prominent, the locations are randomly placed, and i could almost hear the crazed laughter of the mad architect (long deceased, i hope) who designed the warped maze.

to make things worse, the high volumes of traffic at frankfurt ensures that you would hardly have time to stop and puzzle over your situation: would you want to stand still in a moving crowd?

thankfully, that went without too much hassle, and i was able to get a train back to aachen without much fuss.

went back and fell asleep on my table while waiting for a decent time in singapore (can't call back in the middle of the night!) to let my parents know of my safe arrival.

Crashed into bed and slept.......

touchdown at doha!

for those who might be peeking, i've arrived at doha and am waiting for the next flight. i guess it wouldn't be long before i reach germany..

had quite some thoughts while on the plane: what makes a home? what transform a house into a home? its something which i would probably explore (but not blog) in the next few days. but in any case, it is likely to impact my decisions and eventually, the course of my life.

departure

just did a relatively unemotional farewell at the Changi Airport. there is nothing more haunting than to see teary parents (ok. parent. mom cries) at the airport.

its hard: i have not yet found a place to call home outside of singapore, but the lure of a bigger world calls out to me in a way that is louder than what i can resist.

paradoxically, i discovered that my stay abroad has not been so much of discovering the world, but discovering more of me. like a journeyman sent to know the world, my trip abroad became a great relevation of who i really am.. so far, i'm not impressed. i suppose truth, even if its the sad truth, is good.

lets see where this leads.

last day

i'm now looking at the last day of vacation and my stay in singapore -it has been a strange trip so far - mixed with lots of enjoyable and surprises!

in a few hours time, i will be bundling my staff and lugging my luggage to the airport. hopefully things will go smoothly and i'll get back to germany in good condition.

till the next update..

all's well that ends well

"what the world am I doing here?"

somewhen at the end of my vacation, while staring wistfully at the sun around me, i got the crazy idea of going to Sentosa and getting myself a tan.

past experiences should have showed me that i belonged that group who are just not made to go tanning, but stupidity has a way of repeating itself.

so after being burnt, bored and bothered (in that order), i finally gave up and decided to crawl home before i actually succeed in making a bigger idiot of myself. (there is nothing more humilating than looking like a beached whale, except looking like a beached whale who has had not enough sun)

i'm thankful for that moment of wisdom - somewhere on the way out of sentosa, i had the chance to get to make a new friend. We started chatting and we found that we were christians, which made the time even more interesting. I'm thankful for the way we met and how we chose to focus on the things which we agree on. I suppose if we started looking for things which we diagree with each other, that list would never end.

like i said in the title, all's well that ends well.

the fact of the matter...

am just listening to a friend complaining about her lousy day of playing nursemaid to her class of little terrors. apparently, everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, but left her as the sole survivor to pick up the pieces. don't you hate days like that?

anyway, i was just suggesting that she could actually turn the situation into her advantage by blogging or writting her experiences. "of tigers, rhinos and primary school kids" seem to be an appropriate title for this attempt. :)

depression

should one be depressed when you are on vacation?

for me, the depression isn't so much that there is nothing to do, but its just that.. well.. i see the upcoming need for adjustments and i hate it.

its tough to live away from home. people who have never lived apart from their families don't know the support that you can get from your family, even if they don't say much. just the familiarity, the concern (the nagging!) and the contact would add so much to your sense of support.

I've been living away from my family since 2001, and it has never been easy going away each time.

then, in my land of residence, i live alone. its not that i choose to live alone, but i work. and my friends study. and most of the times, we don't have time to get mixed up with each other's lives.

I don't mind so much the "being alone" if i have plenty to occupy myself with. but returning from a vacation, apart from replenishing my fridge, it is next to impossible to find enough things to distract me from that awful sense of loneliness that gnaws hungrily from inside me.

each return to singapore is done reluctantly - for i'm usually well adjusted prior to the return. then my world is shaken up and changed in the first week. after which, my world gets turned upside down again - when i have to struggle to overcome that awful, damned sense of loneliness.

and the irony is that my colleagues were envying that i could go on vacation..