the last day of work..

its the last day of work for me for 2007.

It has been a long year, with lots of successes, failures, letdowns, highs and lows. New friends made, old friends lost..

I'm tired out with all that, but somehow, even though i get to finally rest from all the hard work, there is a curious sense of being letdown. Maybe I had expected the year to end better. That things would be less disappointing.

well. the end of the year is not exactly here yet. Things can still go better from here.

moving on..

thing seemed to have moved on by now. Work is still hard, but most of us have managed to pull ourselves (somewhat) together.

Pulling ourselves together doesn't necessarily mean that we are suddenly into the high gear that we were previously at. There's not enough coffee in this world that would bring about that kind of change!

A colleague was asked to attempt something rather challenging and was asked "so what's hindering you from doing this task?"

the answer, short as it is, has become a classic: "no motivation".

i'm glad that the christmas holidays are coming up soon!

outsourced

the anger at being treated cheaply does not go away easily. mental images of being on the auction block like a slave or a block of meat comes painfully to mind.

don't get me wrong - i am aware that management has a responsibility to all stakeholders present: shareholders, directors, current employees, etc. as such the people on top need wisdom and balanced decisions.

(at least, that is what i hope that they considered, instead of just profits and profits. lets be charitable for now - though it really feels like all they are concerned about are costs and more costs..)

somehow, the way the whole operation was handled felt like it was dealt from a heavy-handed blockhead with no regards for the former values that we claimed to hold to: "respect". the words that stayed strongest in mind are "if you don't accept this deal, you don't have another option".

this is a fallen world after all. while it is a hard reality to accept, it would seem like I have mistrusted the name of a great company, and i'm now joining the ranks of explotted cheap labour.

so the wait ends..

finally. the effects of the merger have been made public. For those who are lucky enough to be ignorant of what a merger is, count yourself lucky.

The thought of my work site being shutdown has always been a possibility. Daunting thought, but really possible. However, the fact of the site being closed is not as insulting as the fact that many of us computer scientists have been sold off to another IT company.

Sheep get auctioned off. Cows get sent to the slaughterhouse. Horses get sent to the knackers. Computer Scientists, regardless of how talented we are, get sold off.

Am i bitter? of course. Though it has been two weeks, the sting of the announcement has not worn off. No matter how good you are, if you are deemed too expensive by the upper management, you are sent packing. It would make sense if we have not contributed to the company, but we have. And our work is in demand by the customers.

I'm desperately trying not to lose my passion for life, but i am failing miserably. This is a very familiar road to depression.

-v for verbose..

am in the midst of another testing phase now (but am not coordinating the whole thing, so its more relaxing)

a tester (lets call him X) wrote this in the comments of a test result:

"although the test case has been executed by Y, he said that he noticed an error message when closing the application.

p.s. the same error message which I saw"


this is what we call "a dangling pointer". They should have never stopped teaching c/c++.

.. harsh day..

you know its a harsh day when you start entering data like this:

its been a while

went through hell and back, i'd say.

the past few weeks felt like that: heavy stress, hard work, tests, and a desperate attempt to get all problems solved and fixed.

It didn't quite work out as well as i like, but I survived another baptism of fire.

I've been feeling rather old recently. Its not just because that I'm 33 years old (that too, of course), but the fact that the younger generation of computer scientists (i wonder if i could even call them that!) are really unaware of old technologies. They don't even know vi or emacs!

Its a matter of time before the name "tandy" or "Atari" is unknown to them. I suspect that most of them do not know what is a CGA or VT-100 terminal..

ah.. time goes on.

legal right overshadows moral right?

This post is a slightly toned-down version of my thoughts.

In Germany, the worker's union for the train drivers has announced a 4 day total strike in their demands for greater salary. In previous strikes they have chosen to strike for a certain time in the day (but with long lasting consequences) - however, things still worked. In this upcoming strike many local trains (or regional trains) will not be running.

Granted, in germany, the worker unions are allowed to strike, even with arbitaration. The right to strike seems to be a granted facet of the law here. The question is, given their position and rights, would it be morally right to involve millions of commuters in their strike?

This, as it seems to me, has very little difference in spirit as compared to the such of terrorism. My colleague would beg to differ, saying that they are exercising their right - but in the eyes of the terrorists, they have their own god-given right to inflict pain, death and terror, even if it involves innocents: the ends justify the means.

as i implied in the blog post title, there is a question of whether the "legal right" (even if its dubious) takes a higher standing than a moral right. If moral rights can be compromised and deemed to be flexible, then what is there to stop every other group from pointing to the case example and deciding that they could be free to exploit the moral right to gain a greater good for themselves?

The question may be both academic and philosophical in nature, but the issues underlying are real: are we living in a world where moral rights are disdained?

the older side of things..

In the weeks of silence, I've somehow managed to become an uncle. My sister gave birth to an adorable little baby girl whose smile charmed everyone who sees her.

(I'm biased, of course)

the change of status brings a sober reminder of life, of death, of taxes (rebates), of diapers, of sleepless nights - thankfully, most of these will befall my sister!

but it does remind me that I'm not getting any younger. ouch.

oops i did it again

bought too much stuff. now the fridge looks like an illegal squatters cramped full of (what would normally be) yummy food.. except that its just simply too .. full..

mental note to self: don't do shopping for the next 3 weeks.

what was that again?

For those who are familar with attending training courses, you would probably agree with the observation that it takes minimally a couple of gallons of pure-grade "this puts hair on your chest" coffee to keep you awake through the boring stuff.

However, when the physical conditions are not exactly ideal for learning (lots of background noises, lots of people stuck in a small room, no fresh air) no amount of coffee will keep us from doze land.

That was the situation I had to endure for most of the week. The fight to stay awake was a heroic effort - with a great assortments of "stay awake" techniques being demonstrated. Some drank coffee, others chewed on candy, some went to the washroom at every break (presumably to refresh themselves with cold water) , and yet others found various ways and means to keep awake (finger exercises that required some brain coordination, tooth picks to prop up the eyelids)..

Desperate situations called for desperate measures, i suppose.

Thankfully, i was forced to stay awake: the course trainer was a true-blooded Municher -> i.e. he speaks german with the munich accent, munich grammar and way of thinking. Since my ear was more attuned to the local german ("standard pronounciation"), I had to concentrate hard in order to understand what was being taught.

.. how does that version of german sound like? ... well.. the best comparison i have would be braveheart speaking german..

all work and no play makes me a dull boy

seems like there are days when life is just about work. Of course, work gives you dough to buy bread and that isn't all too bad, but bearing in mind that I have simple needs, how much dough do i actually need anyway?

I do enjoy work, however - not because of the financial power it provides, but because it allows me a chance to do something which i really enjoy: the act of creation, resolving issues and interaction with other (somewhat) like-minded people. We lab rats hang together. ;)

am approaching somewhat a confused mix of emotions: on one hand, i am sick of a life in which only work brings any meaning, I am reluctant to trade my current job for a lesser job. I fail to see how the introduction of boredom would help make me happier..

The first day back at .. work..?

Well. After 2 weeks of pining away, I'm finally back at work. Apart from the delightful fact that my table has not been outsourced to india, I'm back to wrestling with problems.

Wonder why i missed work in the first place.

Anyway, like any long break, this return was not without embarassing incidents: I forgot how to code some things, and also, i forgot how in awe i was of my boss. When asking him about a working trip to another company office, he mentioned that "there were lots of pretty girls". Being fresh from "vacation" and not being able to sleep the night before, i responded without thinking "oh dear. please don't make me excited: I'm still single you know".

His reply was unexpected: "exactly. that's why you should be there"

that was embarassing.

back from lost

Lost stands for "Loads of stupid things" of course.

The past 2 weeks were spent in high stress, high adrenaline, heart pounding moments. Things would have continued so, if not for the mess-up in my stay permit.

For those who don't know it yet, I'm singaporean. i.e. I belong to some sunny island way out in south-east asia, where temperatures never drop below 27 degrees, and where it is unheard of to have heating in the house. ("are you nuts?" was the first comment I got from my parents when I described heating in Germany. It was also rather apparent then that I had no idea how to survive my first winter in a temperate land) The fact that I'm working in Germany means simply that I'm an expat here. And despite the qualifications which I (claim to) have, I still require a work permit to continue my miserable existence here.

The mess-up in the paper work was a typical snafu - "Department A sent a message to Department B, but no one heard anything". As usual, all liabilities were denied and everything was disavowed.

which meant.. i was theoretically not allowed to work until it was resolved.

This might have been a bad thing, except that in the days leading to this event, I had managed to catch some sort of a virus. And it was one of those serious things that led to pain, grief, tears, sleeplessness and also, fever. (no. serious. I didn't overdo my partying. in fact, I hardly party. check the rest of my blog for consistency).

So despite having an enforced holiday, I was stuck at home on my back, in bed, trying to stay alive. After the fever and bug disappeared, I was stuck with a "have job, can't work" situation. Friends were largely uncontactable and unavailable.

In such times, the agony of being alone stinks. :( .. I'll never crack a joke about how "being attached is not worth it" again..

I've just gotten a call that my permit will be processed this coming friday. i.e. I will have wednesday and thursday to endure. I'll figure out what to do on friday - might just decide to go down to work just so to make sure that my desk is still there...

new things good, old things bad!

if that sounds decidedly orwellian, it is.

I'm now working with a certain team where the idea "new is good" is highly promoted. As a result, they are willing to throw away code that has been used for ages just to try to put in new stuff (without showing that the new prototype works)

unfortunately, the proposed changes have the potential to create big ripple effects - the picture i had in mind was more of a tidal wave - and that was overlooked by "oh, so? we want to fix the problem, right?"

we do want to fix the problem. but not by introducing new ones. and not before we can prove that we can fix a problem. get a working prototype that work before telling the old model to "go forth, be fruitful and multiply".

..as i seem to remember, the titanic was new when it sank..

The raiders of the lost language

After having read a few more pages of that hellish document, I've concluded that english has been raided and no survivors remain.

It can't get any worse. No Siree!

English - the lost language

I spent the last working hours of last week lamenting over a technical document written by the "consultant firm" engaged to relieve us engineers of the chore.

I was rather amazed by the text and lack of attention that the writer had: after all, how much effort would it take to attempt to rephrase a sentence? In addition, while the informal "you" can be rather charming in a personal letter, it is out of place in a technical document - even if it is a user guide.

To add to my list of gripes, I'm supposed to be an ape-like engineer whose main strength is engineering (and creating buggy software). Grammatic-wise, "urgh, OG OG OG! " is supposed to be as far as it gets for my type. If I can spot some strange things in the document, isn't it about time for it to be revised?

its obvious that that the writer is not going to be a patron saint of the english language (nor for quality work).

he's back!

unfortunately, he had a very good vacation. meaning that he forgot the work he did, and even needed some help with his password. wish i had such great vacations.

thankfully, things are more or less settled down, except for a bug which was right up his alley. unfortunately, my program was the medium in which the bug manifested itself - so I'm involved in a fool's errand to try to figure out what went wrong.

to make life abit more interesting, the same software + configuration worked on our official testing environment, but failed on our sand-box environment. so we have abit of guess work here: was the software faulty but somehow miraculously worked in the testing environment? or is the sandbox leaking sand?

either way, its not pretty.

I was about to write the following statements and pasting it to the relevant server:
danger: this server is inhabited
1. don't expose to bright lights
2. don't let them get wet
3. never ever feed them after midnight.


as what Randy Newman sang in "toy story", "strange things are happening"

hanging in there..

the last one week or so had been a minor version of hell on earth.

My current work assignment had me teamed up with one of the smartest engineers in my department - and we were in charge of migrating our product from platform A to platform B.

Being teamed up with him was both a delightful and a heart rending experience: I had learned lots in that time, but I truly realized the inner limits of my dumbness. It was a very humbling experience.

We were hoping (i was praying hard actually) that we would be able to get all the work done before he went on vacation - but this did not exactly happen. In fact, due to server issues, lots of work were left undone even as he left for vacation.

guess who has to try to figure out how to carry on?

It was not a problem of donning my super-hero tights. It was rather tough to deal with the stress (though not impossible). The problem was that I was already rather overworked and feeling the strain.. and manOhManOhMan - he left big shoes that are hard to fill and even harder to walk in.

.. so far, so good. approximately 1.5 more weeks to his return. So far, in his absence, we have encountered all the possible combinations scary situations (the type that makes you want run to the toilet to throw up). However, these were those which we had previously encountered while he was here (except that now, I have to solve them myself).

.. I'm now left with a nagging question: having experienced all that I did for the last 1.5 weeks, are the next 1.5 weeks reserved for some new scarier problems?

monday ramblings

met my head of department in the kitchen while grabbing a cup of coffee. Since the difference in levels between the HoD and me (pee wee engineer) is somewhat akin to a plankton to a whale, I'm normally inclined to tiptoe around him.

unfortunately, he spotted me and small talk was inevitable. Even though i was actually fighting the irrestible urge to fall prostate in reverent awe, some conversation was managed (as per the following):

Him: "Did you make the coffee?"
Me: "No" (wondering what this would lead to)
Him: "oh. good. else its too strong"

My immediate reply would normally be "there is no strong coffee. There are only wimpy coffee drinkers", but some instinctive self-preservation instinct helped me to hold back from an early demise..

Here's something which is bugging me now - how did he know that i make the strong coffees? Did my reputation go before me.. again?

a chunk of ugliness..

(Machine generated code)

.. if (true) {

return new SomeClass( ..);

}

throw new Exception ( "Missing return statement");.

I'm rather curious: which is more scary - that there is no return statement, or true can be false?

its finally monday!

No! don't call the boys in white yet. (This is, btw, not a political reference for those of you reading in from singapore).

I've relieved that its monday: after spending three quarters of my weekend on my back with fever, work seems like heaven. I don't seem to get sick on weekdays though - its gotta do with a family curse or something: dad never fell sick (much) on work days either. I guess someone up the family tree must have offended some supernatural power and left his offspring stuck with this mumbo-jumbo.

I'm now relatively healthy, full of energy, able to leap a building in a single bound (make that a short building), faster than a speeding snail and able to dodge bullets matrix-style (thrown by an extremely over-aged grandpa. how about it, gramps? you gonna throw that at me?).

Unfortunately, that modest list of extrordinary accomplishments above does not include solving strange bugs.

I'm now looking at gremlin-typed problems: those which appear and disappear mysterously, and despite the best application of logic, cannot be explained.

I guess the problem is here to stay: the evil spirit causing such problems usually require some maiden sacrifices to be appeased, and maidens are in very short supply in R&D..

hey ho, its off to work..

Back at work. I seem to lack my usual zeal and overflowing energy that i used to enjoy. Its probably due to the dratted weather: my body is trying hard to adjust to it.

The dreary week was not improved by the available food for the week. A brief glance through the menu plan only evoked memories (previously deeply buried) of military fare. My predictions of "nothing can be worse than this" from years ago are now disproved with a very real counter-example.

Work has been interesting today: going through someone's code to check his work, and hoping that I can figure out what's going on. It might have been easier to do it from scratch, but he really put alot of efforts into things. I think I should cherish his hard work and take the harder path.

back to work.

Uninteresting times.

Being one of those who have been blessed with an uninteresting life, the absence of regular activity can drive me nuts.

I took a day off from work today - needing the time to take my theory exam and get some rest. For some reason, the inhabitants of aachen have recently taken to driving around with loud engines at 2-3am, increasing my sleep debts to levels far above what I tolerate.

After the theory exam, as the stress started to bleed off, the reality of the situation kicked in. I'm not in shape to go to gym (I never go to the gym when I'm too exhausted). I have work to do. I'll probably not be able to sleep from now till this evening. oh no! what have I done? Can i get back to work?????

unfortunately, the servers at work are still malfunctioning and I ran out of reasons to cancel my day off.

--> I've been sitting down, reading and watching the world pass by. The other chioce is to get back to work and get something productive done.

I think i should try to live in interesting times. Does anyone want to pronounce that old chinese curse over my life? :)

erm dude.. its saturday

I know. I know. its saturday. I should be having a life instead of going on and on, writting blogs which are unread by the world at large.

never fear. My invisible friend shall read it. ;)

Spotted a comic recently and since it really reminds of lab life (and the life which i now have), let me share it with the lost souls who stumbled here.

incredible luck

gee. I can't help but to notice how lucky and popular I've been recently: daily offers of wealth, shared profits, unclaimed inheritance..

there are even people who are concerned about my sex life and erm.. physical assets and endurance.

In fact, I get more mails from these concerned people than the regular people i know (even those in germany).

I feel so loved..

update

the past few weeks have been rather hectic - with migration work, new algorithms to be designed, experiments to be made, scripts to be written, bugs to be solved..

to make it more interesting, quite a few of my colleagues became parents (or got married), so the department is running at sub-optimal efficiency at the present time.

the only plus to all these is the continuous influx of books which I've purchased. I think I've had 100 book purchases since then. Since I'm a fast reader, I read about 2 books per week - so you can calculate how long these would last me.

Thankfully, not all books are thin: some are thick and full of abstract points which have to be re-read and digested. Unthankfully, these books are also heavy, and lugging some of these around can be murder.

Why do i have an attraction for books? well. it seem to run in the family: my dad has an extensive library and I seem to do quite well in following in His steps. The main difference is that I'm reading my books and he no longer does that.

Another reason is that books teach. Imagine that we have the opportunities to gather some of the finest teachers in the world across all ages. Imagine that we could get them all in one room, and we can take private lessons from them and see the world through their eyes. How would our world be recoloured then?

of course we can't gather such an assembly (though perhaps, we could in the afterlife, in heaven) but here's what we can do instead: we can gather great books. Books that teach us to look at the world as they did. Books that teach us about life. And we can apply these thoughts. Even if we do not agree with the views, the very act of analysis has already developed our minds: do we agree with this view? why do we agree/disagree? could there be another way of looking at the situation?

of course, this way of reading means that you test all you read, not because you want to doubt, but because you want to have a broader perspective..

have a good weekend, everyone!

our newest episode

I'm mildly frustrated by the progress of work. It feels like I'm in a perpectual state of waiting on others to end their meeting. This has been going on for quite a while.

So, just to make life interesting, I'm continuing the saga of "The adventures of a mad scientist". This new episode brings you

• the guesswork of R&D - why do research at all? just guess it and fake it! (apparently, this is the expected work on our parts when given insufficient information. I'm still pissed about the RTFM comment from one or two posts ago)

• Computer Scientist pastimes: What do computer scientists do in their spare time? The real cynical ones write Haikis. Here's a haiku about the product owner - "bug, bugs and more bugs. My program is failing. They just ignore it."

(nope. there is no adventures of a mad scientist. We lead quiet lives. Those who don't live quiet lives don't live long. These type usually make a grand exit - normally with a big boom)

and when it happens, it happens..

just when things started to move again, the power supply for my office block just decided to go on summer vacation.

that's not the best thing to happen when you are in a rush to get things done!

boy..

its not often that you get a RTFM as an answer when you are trying to get some answers. The unfortunate thing is, 5 engineers looked through the FM to get some BA (bloody answers)..

my 3 most frequently observed driving traits..

1. turns corners too fast
yup. that's me all right. how else do you get to enjoy that tight centripetal force gripping at your stomach? I dare say if i go fast enough, i can even simulate G-forces feelings.

2. has difficulty keeping to speed limits
imagine driving at 50km/h with a whole column of traffic behind me - and I'm not talking about the freeway... now since I'm trying not to block anyone's way, why shouldn't i speed up?

3. talks to himself while driving
of course i do that. and i wasn't talking. I was praying for mercy, "blessing" the idiots who had the audicity to cause me concern by their errant road-manners and attempting to talk myself into a calm mood.

the alternative would be to grab a little vodoo effigy and go stabbing the doll to unleash my dark desires, but that would be unhealthy for me: I might lose my concentration.

just a quick update

have not been posting much basically because of work.

work, work and more work. gee. it never stops and when it does, I'm just itching for something to do..

all is quiet on the job front (in terms of the merger). It seems like things are supposed to happen, but its either happening "under wraps" or its not exactly going on smooth. sigh..


on a personal side, between gym, driving lessons and church, life has been pretty filled out. There just ain't any more of "free time" which i can waste - which is the way i like it. :)

will be updating more sometime later..

blow wind! come weck!

well.. that line doesn't fit so well. at least i hope not. Macbeth was calling for the enemy to do their best as they fight against his reign. mehopes that things will be less drastic than "come weck!"

april swept by and may has descended on us.

goodness! time flew by - even faster than usual, if that could be possible.

Spent the weekend and following days at the gym - trying hard to break my own records. I succeeded in some but failed miserably at others. I'm not sure the achievements are worth the muscle-aches that I'm suffering from now..

I've been using the term "worm food" quite abit in my correspondances recently. this life is short and it will be a matter of time before we are reduced into .. that..

its a scary thought - "if all that we have are just reduced to our short (miserable) existence, what is life all about?"

a few friends of mine took the easy way out. "its too complicated and i don't want to think about it."

sure. life is complicated. purpose is complicated. but then, if knowing and living with a purpose makes you happy, would you risk getting your brains knotted up in the hope of sorting out your own life? I would.

anyway, having rested over the weekend and the holidays, i feel somewhat better equipped to handle what will come. its a wonder what a good rest will do for you..

.. now.. back into the fray.

hard habits to break

Have recently started taking driving lessons again, after a long break of 11 years. The old leg injury seemed to have disappeared and I'm now able to drive without any pain.

Unfortunately, some old habits kicked in: in singapore, we drive on the right side of the car whereas in europe, you do it on the other side. This brings lots of confusion and made life interesting.

one such incident happened today: i was trying to turn on my left signal lights when i reached out with my right hand instead of my left.. I think the instructor had a hard time trying not to laugh as the windshield wiper started cleaning the windshield...

finally!!!!!

I've finally managed to catelog my entire library of 281 books (of which 197 are christian books, excluding study bibles..)

Here's a rough breakdown of the tags/cateloging system i used.

tags by frequency
christian (197), christian living (154), non-christian (83), leisure (42), fiction (39), academic (30), computer science (28), relationships (27), men-resources (17), Perspective (16), Reference (16), counselling (16), humour (13), personal growth (12), apologetics (12), Bio/real-life account (11), linguistics (11), comics (11), Leadership (9), evangelism (8), History (7), writting-aids (7), devotion (7), Contextual Background (6), faith (6), theology (6), philosophical (5), Holy Spirit (5), suffering (5), non-fiction (4), Foundational (4), christian fiction (3), Practical (2), prayer (2), doubts (2), Psalms (2), Teaching (2), temperaments (2), Parables (2), military-interests (1), church (1), study aid (1), software engineering (1), spiritual warfare (1)


phew!!! :P

gosh! that tickles!

finally got myself to buy a electronic toothbrush. never believed in those things, but apparently, according to my dentist, they are better than the conventional versions.

so this old fashioned computer scientist finally got one.

the verdict? I drool. and it tickles. :(

my love and hate relationship with coffee (part 3) - the present

I used to hate coffee in the past. Some lurking memory hidden deep within the deeps of consciousness affirmed something of that nature - the initial sip, staying neutral, the subsequent yucks, etc. But something happened along the way.. Journey with me along these series of blogs to explore my descend into caffine hell..

Living in germany has its perks: coffee is relatively well received here. The downside is that the coffee tends to taste (and look) like dark-coloured water.

after joining my company, I was delighted to find that coffee was freely available in the pantry. Since the whole wing seems to be hooked on coffee, the pot was in constant need for refilling.

In order to increase my personal satisfaction, I have taken to reducing the amount of water used for making coffee. This worked - it helped to reduce the diluation factor, but it brought some interesting side effects.

apart from comments like - "you are the only person who can make expresso-strengthed coffee from filter coffee" and "if i leave my spoon in side the coffee and it stands, i know you made it", I started to get a steady stream of visitors to my office with enquires about the originator of the coffee.. (apparently these guys cannot stomach strong stuff)

even the die-hard engineers (aka coffee junkies) started to reduce their portions to half cups..

me? There are times when "just coffee is still not enough". I'm glad for the instant mix coffee brands who are often giving out free samples. How else can I enhance the flavour and intensity of my brew?

Somedays I dream of coffee. not just the normal coffee, but having the ultimate brew that is both tasty and reinvigorating. That has yet to be discovered yet, but one can dream caffine-induced dreams, right? ;)

the "blah" to go the distance (part 2)

This extention was rather unexpected. :)

yesterday, we had day 1. we just had a briefing on the state of the matter at hand, and we are facing an interesting future.

that is, it is interesting if you are somewhere above and not at the end of the food chain. from here, it sounds potentially like blah.

I've never liked big companies in my professional life. Contributions in such places tend to go swallowed into the masses of people here, and your chances of growth tends to be limited. me, I've always headed for research labs or start-up companies where the work is hard, but at least results are visible.

My decision to join my current company has been one of pragmatism: I heard good things about the company and i feel good about the environment here. Despite the fact that my work would probably end up as fodder for "the big picture", it was a price i was willing to pay.

looking at things now, I am in doubt of whether the same attractive factors remain. I am hoping that things would improve: that advancements would be possible, and that it is possible to take positive steps ahead. I'm going to try to stay positive on this..

hopefully...

my love and hate relationship with coffee (part 2) - the decline

I used to hate coffee in the past. Some lurking memory hidden deep within the deeps of consciousness affirmed something of that nature - the initial sip, staying neutral, the subsequent yucks, etc. But something happened along the way.. Journey with me along these series of blogs to explore my descend into caffine hell..

Sometime in my life it must have happened: the taste of coffee sickened me. I know it sounds unbelievable now, but there was a time when coffee turned my stomach and i firmly rejected it. It might have been the taste or perhaps it could have been the principle behind it: who wants to live off this dark stuff anyway?

for years, whenever I was invited to coffee, I would turn the invitations down. Starbucks had nay a chance to make a dime from me. (ahh.. sweet memories)

All these started to change when I started on the path down computer science. Instead of conforming to my parent's wishes for me to follow my brother into the legal profession, I decided to do mental contortions with my grey matter..

The problem didn't really start with computer science. It started with the Final Year Project. Imagine managing a small group of graduate-wannabes, working from dawn to dusk, balancing your schoolwork, your exams and trying to get on top of everything. It was enough to make anyone sick - and I managed to get hospitalized from overwork. (who said hard work doesn't kill?)

Sometime after i returned from the hospital, I realized that i needed a crutch to help me get over my stress. The obvious choice was coffee. I was probably the only person who had entire cartons of coffee (tin-can versions) in the research lab. That crutch lasted me well into the present day..

tha "Blah" to go the distance

Sometime just after i came to germany, my family sent me a care-package containing stuff which I'd "probably need".

Someone thoughtfully slipped in a T-shirt with the slogan "the power to go the distance", in an attempt, i imagine, to encourage me to "go the distance". It was promptly placed at the very back of my closet, designated for wear on laundry days. (no one ever questions what you wear at the laundromat. Since everyone is washing their "nicer clothes", it is perfectly understandable and acceptable to wear strange garments to that place, provided that you don't offend someone's sense of modesty. )

I've never found out who the T-Shirt came from, and I'd certainly not want to hurt anyone by rejecting their kind and loving intentions. The unintended banishment was not carried out without reason:
1- The shade of colour for the t-shirt was a yucky blue. I like blue, but there are limits to what i can accept.
2- I'm not the type who like flashy slogan on my t-shirts. I'm not a walking billboard, for goodness sake, and I'm not about to do free advertisement for any brand (or slogan, for that matter)
3- I fail to see how wearing that t-shirt would help me succeed. Call me a pessimist if you will, but i think the chances of failure does not decrease, even with the help of power-shirt there.


I'm now on Day 1 of a new company re-org. The usual hot-air, or "blah" as we fondly call it, has been sent around to all employees, with rose-tinted futures and great promises.

reading through the mails circulated around, i can't help but to think that "blah" is not exclusively reserved for politicians. Company CEOs, senior management and PR departments are quite adept at releasing it too. and from all indications, you need "blah" (lots of it) to convince people that the future is "it".

so ladies, gentlemen and the spooks out there reading this post, please allow me to suggest a new version of the slogan (as indicated in my blog post) -

Have the BLAH to go the distance!

my love and hate relationship with coffee (part 1) - the hallo

I used to hate coffee in the past. Some lurking memory hidden deep within the deeps of consciousness affirmed something of that nature - the initial sip, staying neutral, the subsequent yucks, etc. But something happened along the way.. Journey with me along these series of blogs to explore my descend into caffine hell..


I had quite some memories of being the office boy when i was literally, the "boy" in my dad's company. Despite being oh, about knee-high to a grasshopper then, dad depended on me for his daily infuse of brown swill. And being the nice son that i was, I ran frequent errands to the coffee-shop (the singaporean variant, not to be mistaken for the Dutch versions) to grab some coffee for him. (the fact that I got to keep the change probably helped. I was young then, but already deeply entrenched in avarice.. )

The coffee-carriers of those days were rather interesting - shop-owners would often use tins from condensed-milk, punch a hole through the lid (to put the carrying string) and utilize the metal container to hold the coffee. Another alternative would be to dump the coffee into a little plastic drink-bag. Both are no longer common in singapore.

My first memories of drinking coffee would be from one of these expeditions - if memory serves me correctly, Dad offered me a sip to try, after which my reaction was one of amazement - why does anyone like this strange liquid??

It's a good thing that there is no legal age limit for coffee: dad would have been convicted without trial if there were laws forbidding "coffee to minors".

the little joys of life

Every once a while, i get delighted by the little things around me.

Its a delight when

• the train is punctual .. something unusual for the German Rails
• I see a group of elderlies walking, laughing and enjoying life
• I see someone showing care and concern for others
• I meet my neighbours and I get to enjoy small talk with them
• I see flowers blooming with the oncoming spring
• I get to watch birds build their nests in the (still) empty trees
• I get to watch young kids skip and sing as they walk next to their parents
• I smile at someone and they smile back
• I smell the freshly baked bread from the bakery
• I smell the fresh air after the rain..
• I sit at my piano and rediscover the magic of music
• I get to enjoy the sunrise on the way to work
• I get to enjoy the sunset on the way back from work

A FAQ List

Here are the list of questions that I am most apt to be asked


1. Oh. so you are working for XXX. Do you think you can help me get their products at a discount?
Sure I could. But i will need a very big commission to make it worth my while. Get a life, you cheapskate, and go out to buy it like everyone else.


2. Hey. You're a computer scientist! can you fix my computer? It refuses to (startup/insert some other action here).
I wouldn't for three reasons:
a. I'm secretly on the payroll of computer chip makers. When you throw away a computer and buy a new one, I get to earn a commission.

b. Would you call a doctor and ask him for a prescription after saying "I'm not feeling well"?

c. as i wrote in a post in a computer forum - "we don't need better programs. we need better users" - what's stopping you from wrecking your computer after i'm done with it?


3. isn't it cool to live in Germany? (or isn't it cool to come from singapore?)
Its not only cool to live in Germany. Its on the obscene side of cold. It might be comfortable for a polar bear, and alas, while evolution claims that we adapt to circumstances, I have yet to sprout fur befitting the climate.

Singapore, on the other hand, is comfortably warm but is full of self-demeaning people, complainers (who complain about the social behaviors of others) and people who have questionable social behaviour. So we have a lovely climate which is made cold by the coldness in the souls of people.


4. isn't it great to live in europe? you get to travel and eat the various types of food there.
you mean you can't travel or eat anywhere else? this is just a case of "the grass is greener ..."


5. Are you going to be staying in Germany for long?
for some reason, this seems to be a popular question. I get this being thrown at me by germans, by singaporeans and by every other nationality. The answer to this is "I don't know. I am looking for a home, and home is not determined by what land I live in. It might very well be that I would eventually return to the land of my birth, but I will have to come to terms with that wanderlust and adventurelust in me".


6. Have you thought of going to (insert country name here)?
Yes I probably have. It so happens that with the exception of the spring->summer transition, I find it tough to adapt to the changes. In such times of great trials and tribulation, i ask myself "how long, how long more will you stay here?". But things look better after I get adjusted and happily settled.


7. How long are you going to stay single?
This question has been raised more often of late. There seems to be a misunderstanding that being single is somehow an undesirable state and i should be attempting to change my current state.

Yes, I know I am single. and I know I'm going to be 33. But being married to the "wrong person" isn't really better than being single. as it is, I'm enjoying my freedom and the simplicity of life that comes with this state. so why sweat it?

but yes, I'm single. Any takers? ;)


8. So you cook. Do you think I can sample your cooking?
actually, there are two variations to this question - the other one being more obnoxious: "so when are you going to invite me to dinner?".

It all depends on how many of your kidneys you have donated to me. (The kidneys have to be in good condition and fit for transplants. obviously, kidneys bought from the butcher wouldn't fit into the criteria. if it does, let me know which butcher it is, and I'm going to make sure I get as far as i can..)

and yes, lest i forget it, I tend to invite ladies more readily, especially if they are pretty, single and available. ;)


9. Can you teach me how to (take photos, do video production, use a computer, write a computer program, play piano, play synthesizers, play the guitar, do sound programming..)?

If i had one dollar each time i was asked this by someone, I'll be on tahiti and drinking coconuts instead of trying not to get a flu. (lets ignore the fact that tahiti might be prone to hurricanes and other little bits of nasty weather that I don't know about).

The answer is no, no, no, no and NO! RTFM or go read it up on the internet. You're given brains and the capacity to learn new things, and trust me: you're going to have more self-respect after picking something up on your own. You're also more likely to cherish it anyway.


10. Ohhhh.. computer games are so fun. I want to study compuer science to learn how to program games. What would you advise me?

hm.. Once a while, every individual gets the chance to impact the direction of the whole human race. Each question of this nature is one such moment. what should I say to that?

I would say, Don't. In order to survive computer science, you'll need to learn various disciplines - let me give you a very brief (but realistic) sampling.

• surviving insomnia,
• not sleeping by choice (because of work. computer games don't count!),
• Mission-impossible-styled bladder control,
• self talk ("don't cry. don't cry. don't panic"),
• abstract fantasy and modelling (not of naked opposite genders. I'm talking about the ability to think abstractly. try reading CS Lewis or some philosophy books to see what i mean)
• The ability to glug coffee like water (true engineers need it to think)
• ability to think of a thousand failure scenarios and cater to them (This is not pessimism: a pessimistic engineer wouldn't even try to solve any of the failure scenarios: why should the intended solution work?)

in short, you'll cry. beg for mercy. wonder why you bother to live. wonder why you bother to bother. curse and swear at invisible entities. start warping into a crazed mad scientist. drool from the corners of your mouth. scream from the mental tortures inflicted by less competetant engineers. start writting blogs with rants about computer science disciplines.

and these are not covered in whatever course you are taking. are you quite sure games are worth it?

you get to meet all kinds

Since I commute approximately 1.5 hours to get to work on a daily basis, I get to meet all kinds of people.

I'm not about to create an exhaustive classification of the different types of people right now - the list is probably too long. However, there are two types which get on my nerves:

1. The Deafened.
I'm not making fun of those who are hearing-impaired. I'm referring to those, whom, by virtue of their loud music, render themselves eventually deaf. However, in the meantime, everyone in the same train compartment (or within a 3 meter radius) gets to enjoy their music.

While I fully agree with the fact that they have the right to listen to their music, nothing has been said about my right "not to listen to their music" nor about my right to enjoy abit of peace and quiet.

There is another variant of this irritating species - the "lets share music" type. This sub-species is usually in possession of some hand phone with MP3 capability and inbuild speaker phones. Being in enclosed spaces with several of these types can be rather irritating since you get multiple types of music coming from all over.


2. Those "born-in-a-barn"

These types insist on traversing train compartments - and leaving the doors open. Its not so bad in summer when the temperature is warm. but in winter when the heaters are on and warmth is precious, their thoughtless acts really leaves much to be desired. In the meantime, someone has to get up to close the compartment door..

Despite the poisoned glances thrown by fellow commuters, these species remain impervious to the amounts of irritation caused, and go on their merry way. The term "born in a barn" is, of course, applied to their (lack of) social grace, to which, the annoyed passenger is likely to conclude - "they must have been born in a barn to be without common sense"

fresh mutton..

the temperature in germany has dropped again and it was just hailing. For those of you blessed individuals who don't know what hail is, its like snow, only that it's much larger, like little balls that fall from above.

The main objection to hail is not so much the wet part - you get used to it after a while, and if its cold enough, it stays solid. The problem with hail is rather that it is solid, tends to hit with quite a sting, and if its big enough, can knock you silly.

The best defence against hail would be an umbrella. Now, this would have worked for me, except that I'm abit too macho (real men don't carry umbrellas) to carry one, and that the winds are blowing hard enough to wreck any umbrella that any one carries. Besides, if i had an umbrella, it would most likely be left somewhere, unfortunately forgotten (much to the glee of umbrella sellers everywhere)

Each year, as the climate changes from summer, to autumn, to winter and to spring, I'd be practicing my "seasonal wail". It goes somewhat like "OhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy did i abandon my sunny little island to settle down in a place which gets cold, foggy and uncomfortably wet?"

which brings me back to the topic of the post. with the temperatures as they are now, you could leave a chunk of fresh mutton out in the open and it would stay fresh. in fact, I'm starting to feel like a chunk of fresh mutton. talk about being a lamb of the flock!

weekend's over- here's to life!

I've finally hauled myself to do a sight test and a first aid course - both of which are part of the german legal requirements for wanna-be drivers. I've also commited myself to take driving lessons - and I suppose it would help me keep occupied.

Despite all the time spent in the first aid course, I'm praying hard that I will never need to use the course information. I mean, wasn't it the cardinal rule to "leave the doctoring to the professionals"? I realize that a few minutes could save a human life, but under extreme conditions of pressure, stress and adrenaline, does anyone seriously expect me to be able to remember how to apply first aid in a orderly manner?

of course, "practice makes perfect" - so I'm appealing to anyone out there: if you feel like being a real-life patient for me, I'll be glad to practice my first-aid on you. anyone wants to help me out here? anyone?

Am curiously well-rested despite reaching home at 11pm. I went for a "coffee or something" that became "a huge salad and a beer" and dragged longer than expected.

For those who are wondering about my dietary habits: beer is vegetarian in nature (made from barley, malt, etc) and is healthy. :) the same arguement could be happily applied to chocolates. In addition, given the axiom "you are what you eat", by transitivity relations, you could actually infer that most foods are healthy and good for you.

Here's a little example of how that works out: I eat beef. Cows eat grass. Applying "you are what you eat", you are transitivity eating grass which is vegetarian!



The week has started: I'm trying to work myself into an earlier schedule to make more time for theory classes in the evenings. Of course, this would only be intensive as long as i need it to be.

I'm also slightly soberer than usual. Nope, its not due to the hangover from the beer. I've only had one! I've been thinking about my situation in germany. I am not helpless here, and I am definitely free to packup and move away. The remaining questions are: Should I go, where do I go, and when?

In principle, all situations can be recursively remodelled into small questions that are intuitively simple in nature. However, the answers to the questions are usually more complex than what we expect, and the process to find the answers may require us to be more honest than we really want to be. It is exactly this difficulty that makes answers hard to find.

One mental tool which i used extensively in the past is what i call the "forward hindsight". Given a difficult situation, when i look back at the situation 5, 10, 20 30 years from now, would this decision make a big difference in my life? With most questions, the answer is "no". It doesn't matter anyway. But for some, including the ones I have (should I go, et cetra) have a resounding "yes". And these questions I dare not view too lightly.

will update more later.

end of the week

.. Heartbeat .. checked

.. signs of intelligence .. .. er..must it be human intelligence? .. nevermind. put that as checked.

Well. it would appear from general indications, I survived my first week at work. Am starting to feel the onset of the first "project start" stress, especially when I'm touching the sacred cows of the department. I'm examining legacy stuff to see what can be improved and how we can optimize existing components.

Now, such a task is normally not difficult: its generally empirical: you can observe the inefficiencies and bottlenecks, the questionable things could be singled out for examination. But what makes its stressful is that a misjudgement could actually add on to the list of problems which it already has.

Its a hard decision between "don't fix what ain't too badly broken" and "professional pride". And I'm always a sucker for challenges. If its hard and "it can't be done", let me have it. I'll usually succeed in it or make an awful idiot out of myself.

In the meantime, the initial bout of homesickness, the flu + tummy bug, stress and questions had gotten to me. I had a hard round with depression and had to "keep on keeping on". I have to keep reminding myself that I am not exactly helpless and there is always hope.


To help ease the situation, I've placed the following picture as my computer desktop picture. With a wee bit of fantasy, I could actually imagine that I'm back on vacation on that nice beach..

memories of Toliet encounters

While going to the gents, I met a couple of male colleagues deep in a discussion. Out of sheer mischief, i said "should we stop holding discussions in the gents? only the ladies do that. and we are real men."

That brought a roar of laughter as each guy contributed his bit.
"maybe we should bring a sofa in here: then we could sit down as we disclose our thoughts".
"maybe we need to have a better mirror here"
.. etc..

That encounter brought back a long buried memory:

Earlier in my software engineering days, I had the chance to join a firm where there was a "group toliet visit" practice. Now - this would be fairly normal if its just a practice among the females, but apparently in that strange place, it was the customary practice for males to head off to the gents in crowds too.

.. I'm relieved to report that the guys didn't hold hands as they wander off to the gents, but it was altogether a very strange experience. imagine that..

I can only hope the germans don't have any like-scandalous habits that I have yet to discover..

cute!! :(

a female friend just called me cute (don't get too excited for me. she's not available)

that's hardly what i would describe myself as, especially when i'm on the wrong side of 30!

bah! cute!

life goes on

I've been pounding myself silly since coming back to Germany. Things are so quiet at work that I could have stayed one more week on vacation and missed nothing. Should have stayed away then.

Another paradox is my inclination to glug coffee here at work. While I was in singapore, I stayed away from coffee. (starbucks is comparatively cheap there). Since coming back to work (where the "heated, coloured, flavoured dark liquid" is misappropriately named as coffee), I've been pouring tasteless coffee into my system like a russian on vodka binge.

My first day of work wasn't too good: despite having the best weather since ages, I stayed back to do some extra work.. and sadly, I overstayed. i.e. i actually forgot that I was supposed to get home earlier and instead, worked past 1900. Hopefully that is not the foreshadow of things to come.

I suspect that I may have to give up physically training for this week (ok.. at least for today). There is some nasty flu going around and I happened to be one of lucky receipents of this particular virus. In addition, I seemed to have some form of a tummy bug and its been ruining my day. In general, computer scientists need to have some attitude when tackling hard problems ("I'm here to solve bugs and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum") but in this case, the bug is making me da Attitude.

The upside is, of course, there are again some engaging and challenging tasks coming up. It does give life an interesting twist and promises some fun. This should be good.

hey ho, hey ho, its off to work we go

or rather, that title should read, "let's not cry as to work we've to go".

Managed to roll myself out of bed at 0500 today. My goodness. Did I really get up at this kind of hours before my vacation? How did I manage?

There was a slight moment of panic at office when I realized that I've forgotten my password.

The reaction from my colleagues were simply "Oh Good. That's the best indication that you had a great vacation".

I feel like a fish out of water here: it seems like the vacation has put quite a number of things into (out of) perspective, including "can i really stay in germany? should I continue trying or just haul myself out of here? where to, then?".

On the other hand, I am as happy as a lark at work: it rare to find a good team and we've assembled some of the finest computer scientists that can be gathered under one roof.

Should I stay? Is it time to remove myself and go to another land?

questions, questions and more questions. :(

*sniff* pass the tissues and try not to get infected..

as can be surmised from the title, I seem to have come down with the flu or some sort of infection - sneezing, slight fever, slight sore throat, dizziness and the urge to heave my guts.

I'm not sure if i managed to get that here, or if i left singapore with some stowaway viruses. That's a matter for concern and a possible nasty development, since i could start a regular epidemic at work.. The immunity systems here might not be particularly prepared against the asian flu.

anyway, this "flu" would explain why i am having an aversion to foods heavily cooked in oil, prefering instead to chomp on raw vegetables, cream crackers and sandwiches. Anyway, with my world spinning around me, i don't really fancy slaving over the stove.

.. and oh dear. i'm not sure that i am in shape to go down to church.

trying to get into the normal swing of life

i'm now trying to get back into some semblance of the life i had here and desperately trying to get my sleep time under control - I don't think its a good idea to be sleepy in the middle of a project meeting when i return to work next week!

Topped up my fridge and managed almost everything i need to do. I even found time to visit the gym yesterday (with disasterous results of course!) but am aching all over. Stupidity demands a very heavy toll from its pracitioners..

Its still freezing - with temperatures in the single digits (celcius. not fahrenheit). My friends are chuckling about me shivering, which is a bit of irony, especially since i used to be a more tolerant of extreme temperatures. Guess i max-ed out on my superpower.. its either that or i need some beer!

"regular" life will start pretty soon, mixed with bits of fun here and there.

touchdown and crash

touched down at frankfurt at 0030 sg time, and after making my way through the mad maze there, i finally managed to extract my luggage and head down to the train station.

frankfurt remains one of my more disliked airports. the signs are not prominent, the locations are randomly placed, and i could almost hear the crazed laughter of the mad architect (long deceased, i hope) who designed the warped maze.

to make things worse, the high volumes of traffic at frankfurt ensures that you would hardly have time to stop and puzzle over your situation: would you want to stand still in a moving crowd?

thankfully, that went without too much hassle, and i was able to get a train back to aachen without much fuss.

went back and fell asleep on my table while waiting for a decent time in singapore (can't call back in the middle of the night!) to let my parents know of my safe arrival.

Crashed into bed and slept.......

touchdown at doha!

for those who might be peeking, i've arrived at doha and am waiting for the next flight. i guess it wouldn't be long before i reach germany..

had quite some thoughts while on the plane: what makes a home? what transform a house into a home? its something which i would probably explore (but not blog) in the next few days. but in any case, it is likely to impact my decisions and eventually, the course of my life.

departure

just did a relatively unemotional farewell at the Changi Airport. there is nothing more haunting than to see teary parents (ok. parent. mom cries) at the airport.

its hard: i have not yet found a place to call home outside of singapore, but the lure of a bigger world calls out to me in a way that is louder than what i can resist.

paradoxically, i discovered that my stay abroad has not been so much of discovering the world, but discovering more of me. like a journeyman sent to know the world, my trip abroad became a great relevation of who i really am.. so far, i'm not impressed. i suppose truth, even if its the sad truth, is good.

lets see where this leads.

last day

i'm now looking at the last day of vacation and my stay in singapore -it has been a strange trip so far - mixed with lots of enjoyable and surprises!

in a few hours time, i will be bundling my staff and lugging my luggage to the airport. hopefully things will go smoothly and i'll get back to germany in good condition.

till the next update..

all's well that ends well

"what the world am I doing here?"

somewhen at the end of my vacation, while staring wistfully at the sun around me, i got the crazy idea of going to Sentosa and getting myself a tan.

past experiences should have showed me that i belonged that group who are just not made to go tanning, but stupidity has a way of repeating itself.

so after being burnt, bored and bothered (in that order), i finally gave up and decided to crawl home before i actually succeed in making a bigger idiot of myself. (there is nothing more humilating than looking like a beached whale, except looking like a beached whale who has had not enough sun)

i'm thankful for that moment of wisdom - somewhere on the way out of sentosa, i had the chance to get to make a new friend. We started chatting and we found that we were christians, which made the time even more interesting. I'm thankful for the way we met and how we chose to focus on the things which we agree on. I suppose if we started looking for things which we diagree with each other, that list would never end.

like i said in the title, all's well that ends well.

the fact of the matter...

am just listening to a friend complaining about her lousy day of playing nursemaid to her class of little terrors. apparently, everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, but left her as the sole survivor to pick up the pieces. don't you hate days like that?

anyway, i was just suggesting that she could actually turn the situation into her advantage by blogging or writting her experiences. "of tigers, rhinos and primary school kids" seem to be an appropriate title for this attempt. :)

depression

should one be depressed when you are on vacation?

for me, the depression isn't so much that there is nothing to do, but its just that.. well.. i see the upcoming need for adjustments and i hate it.

its tough to live away from home. people who have never lived apart from their families don't know the support that you can get from your family, even if they don't say much. just the familiarity, the concern (the nagging!) and the contact would add so much to your sense of support.

I've been living away from my family since 2001, and it has never been easy going away each time.

then, in my land of residence, i live alone. its not that i choose to live alone, but i work. and my friends study. and most of the times, we don't have time to get mixed up with each other's lives.

I don't mind so much the "being alone" if i have plenty to occupy myself with. but returning from a vacation, apart from replenishing my fridge, it is next to impossible to find enough things to distract me from that awful sense of loneliness that gnaws hungrily from inside me.

each return to singapore is done reluctantly - for i'm usually well adjusted prior to the return. then my world is shaken up and changed in the first week. after which, my world gets turned upside down again - when i have to struggle to overcome that awful, damned sense of loneliness.

and the irony is that my colleagues were envying that i could go on vacation..

the great hike

was decidedly too fed-up (literally) with food and all the festive goodies that comes typically with chinese new year, so i went on a hike with a friend.

the hike of 12KM was pretty interesting: i had almost but all forgotten about how humid and warm the tropical jungle could be. (we ventured off the beaten track and went deep into the uncharted regions. This involved bashing through bushes, jumping over fallen logs, listening for strange sounds -especially hissing ones, getting lost and backtracking several times, trying to guess our bearings without the presence of a compass, etc)

all went well except for the last 2km- while trotting back into civilization, a downpour descended such that we were totally drenched. the fact that we had an umbrella made absolutely no difference: we were dripping. unfortunately, i was wearing hiking shoes (waterproof). normally, it keeps water out. but since water was entering through the top, it kept water IN. bah!

but 12 km was a good distance for trotting. at least i got some exercise despite not having access to any gym!

jetlagged!

am back in singapore for a chinese new year gathering with my parents. all went well except that i am now having the total effects of jetlag AND the insomnia i had all week coming at me at one go.

and when i was looking forward to a restful and peaceful gathering with my family, with lots of home cooked food ->they decided to eat out.. and in addition to my jetlag, i have to put up with non-sensical sproutings that some of they sagely stated, like "when you are so desperate till you are beyond the fear of death, you are afraid of nothing more". that's a big load of bull, of course: its tougher to be alive than to die, and escapism should never be the key.

i should know. i was there too often to count, and if i had used this philosophy, it would have been "good bye, cruel world" all too long ago.

exasperating, isn't it?

bah! humbug!

No serious. i'm not being sour grapes about being alone on valentine's day. I mean, why fall prey into the comercial lure of a day that has been flaunted as "the day for romantiks" and following the crowd like everyone else?

and girls, if anyone proposed marriage on valentine's day, stare him in the eye and wilt him down: why should he get it off cheaply? i mean, shouldn't he be creative enough to propose on a normal day? or is he so unromantic that he has to take advantage of the mood of the day to get himself some courage?

men who are not capable of being romantic on other days are doomed to be lousy life-partners, i'd say. imagine being stuck to one for life!

insomnia

drat. its insomnia season again.

been having trouble getting to sleep - and without the use of medication, i'm fair prey for the "how high you can count" game.

i don't think i am stressed about work (hah!) and i am definitely not *that* upset about being alone on V-day. I might be abit nervous about flying home to my parents, but sleep is sleep. no ifs or buts about it.

I'm trying not to resort to using the 3 bottles of wine + 3 beers squirrelled in my kitchen. For one, I suspect that apart from a splitting headache, i wouldn't really get anywhere.

apart from the irritant factor, the lack of shut-eye does not seem to have any effect on me though - i am slightly more moody than usual, but my productivity does not seem to be affected. hm...

Oh Crabby Day

man! am i crabby today.

Made a major mistake at work and i have to undo my changes AFTER it has been deployed at a client site.

For those of you who are familiar with my industry (software), you might be wondering "what's the big deal?" well. the deal is this - this bug came because of an irritating bug that appears occasionally, and I rushed headlong into it (against my better judgement) during the last remaining days before project end.

I should have stuck to my gut feeling about it: "hands off!"

bah! some experienced engineer/computer scientist i am.

what? yet another blog?

being the proud owner of 3 blogs, one would question the need for yet another blog.

Simple: this blog gets everything else that does not pertain to photos, philosophical insights and religious sacred-cow slaughtering.

It will probably get post about the great pumpkin, to my rants about life, stupidity and things in general. lets see how long it lives.. ;)