A FAQ List

Here are the list of questions that I am most apt to be asked


1. Oh. so you are working for XXX. Do you think you can help me get their products at a discount?
Sure I could. But i will need a very big commission to make it worth my while. Get a life, you cheapskate, and go out to buy it like everyone else.


2. Hey. You're a computer scientist! can you fix my computer? It refuses to (startup/insert some other action here).
I wouldn't for three reasons:
a. I'm secretly on the payroll of computer chip makers. When you throw away a computer and buy a new one, I get to earn a commission.

b. Would you call a doctor and ask him for a prescription after saying "I'm not feeling well"?

c. as i wrote in a post in a computer forum - "we don't need better programs. we need better users" - what's stopping you from wrecking your computer after i'm done with it?


3. isn't it cool to live in Germany? (or isn't it cool to come from singapore?)
Its not only cool to live in Germany. Its on the obscene side of cold. It might be comfortable for a polar bear, and alas, while evolution claims that we adapt to circumstances, I have yet to sprout fur befitting the climate.

Singapore, on the other hand, is comfortably warm but is full of self-demeaning people, complainers (who complain about the social behaviors of others) and people who have questionable social behaviour. So we have a lovely climate which is made cold by the coldness in the souls of people.


4. isn't it great to live in europe? you get to travel and eat the various types of food there.
you mean you can't travel or eat anywhere else? this is just a case of "the grass is greener ..."


5. Are you going to be staying in Germany for long?
for some reason, this seems to be a popular question. I get this being thrown at me by germans, by singaporeans and by every other nationality. The answer to this is "I don't know. I am looking for a home, and home is not determined by what land I live in. It might very well be that I would eventually return to the land of my birth, but I will have to come to terms with that wanderlust and adventurelust in me".


6. Have you thought of going to (insert country name here)?
Yes I probably have. It so happens that with the exception of the spring->summer transition, I find it tough to adapt to the changes. In such times of great trials and tribulation, i ask myself "how long, how long more will you stay here?". But things look better after I get adjusted and happily settled.


7. How long are you going to stay single?
This question has been raised more often of late. There seems to be a misunderstanding that being single is somehow an undesirable state and i should be attempting to change my current state.

Yes, I know I am single. and I know I'm going to be 33. But being married to the "wrong person" isn't really better than being single. as it is, I'm enjoying my freedom and the simplicity of life that comes with this state. so why sweat it?

but yes, I'm single. Any takers? ;)


8. So you cook. Do you think I can sample your cooking?
actually, there are two variations to this question - the other one being more obnoxious: "so when are you going to invite me to dinner?".

It all depends on how many of your kidneys you have donated to me. (The kidneys have to be in good condition and fit for transplants. obviously, kidneys bought from the butcher wouldn't fit into the criteria. if it does, let me know which butcher it is, and I'm going to make sure I get as far as i can..)

and yes, lest i forget it, I tend to invite ladies more readily, especially if they are pretty, single and available. ;)


9. Can you teach me how to (take photos, do video production, use a computer, write a computer program, play piano, play synthesizers, play the guitar, do sound programming..)?

If i had one dollar each time i was asked this by someone, I'll be on tahiti and drinking coconuts instead of trying not to get a flu. (lets ignore the fact that tahiti might be prone to hurricanes and other little bits of nasty weather that I don't know about).

The answer is no, no, no, no and NO! RTFM or go read it up on the internet. You're given brains and the capacity to learn new things, and trust me: you're going to have more self-respect after picking something up on your own. You're also more likely to cherish it anyway.


10. Ohhhh.. computer games are so fun. I want to study compuer science to learn how to program games. What would you advise me?

hm.. Once a while, every individual gets the chance to impact the direction of the whole human race. Each question of this nature is one such moment. what should I say to that?

I would say, Don't. In order to survive computer science, you'll need to learn various disciplines - let me give you a very brief (but realistic) sampling.

• surviving insomnia,
• not sleeping by choice (because of work. computer games don't count!),
• Mission-impossible-styled bladder control,
• self talk ("don't cry. don't cry. don't panic"),
• abstract fantasy and modelling (not of naked opposite genders. I'm talking about the ability to think abstractly. try reading CS Lewis or some philosophy books to see what i mean)
• The ability to glug coffee like water (true engineers need it to think)
• ability to think of a thousand failure scenarios and cater to them (This is not pessimism: a pessimistic engineer wouldn't even try to solve any of the failure scenarios: why should the intended solution work?)

in short, you'll cry. beg for mercy. wonder why you bother to live. wonder why you bother to bother. curse and swear at invisible entities. start warping into a crazed mad scientist. drool from the corners of your mouth. scream from the mental tortures inflicted by less competetant engineers. start writting blogs with rants about computer science disciplines.

and these are not covered in whatever course you are taking. are you quite sure games are worth it?